Handling an Abusive Boss

This article critically analyses Transactional Analysis (TA) and provides an in-depth example of how you can utilise its concepts to help you overcome workplace bulling from an abusive or incapable boss.

TA is an interpersonal and intrapersonal theoretical framework developed by Berne (1964) concerning ego-states, transactions, games, and life-scripts. TA is underpinned by the philosophy that everyone is ok, and has the capacity to think and decide our own destiny and that we can change. TA explains that to varying degrees we rotate between 3 ego-states of our personality in response to other people and situations as ‘transactions’, internally and externally. By paying attention to our ego-states, the consequential behaviour, scenarios and games they incite, TA can aid our understanding in how we relate to others and can provide us with tools in self-awareness and personal-development.

Berne explained that we continuously move between ego-states in response to the thoughts and events we experience.

There are 3 ego states:

Parent:

Where you think, feel, and behave in ways derived from parental or authority figures (e.g. controlling/judgmental or nurturing);

Adult:

Where you think, feel, and behave in response to the present by drawing on your life-experience (there is no sub-division here as the Adult has access to all information, thereby generally providing realistic and objective appraisals);

Child :

Where you think, feel, and behave just like you did in your childhood (e.g. adapted, free or rebellious).


(Berne, 1968; Woollams & Brown, 1978).

Particular events, thoughts, and memories that feel unjust may trigger us to transition into a parent ego-state where we consequently feel angry, superior, or judgemental. Whilst other events, thoughts or memories that embarrass or intimidate us could push us into a child ego-state, causing us to feel bad or ashamed.

TA is used in therapy and counselling settings to explain how and why uncomfortable dynamics can form between people, triggering perpetuating conflict situations and unhelpful behaviour. TA explains that such situations aren’t because of the other person, but rather one’s own state of mind as we shift between the ego-states. Berne (1964) explained that neither the parent or child state is necessarily good or bad, but that they are limited in their awareness and therefore may not serve as beneficial states to rely upon. Thus, the goal of TA is to strengthen the Adult ego-state in an individual.

So How Could The Principles of TA Be Applied In Practice – Outside of Therapy?

You may be struggling to cope with a demanding and emotionally-manipulative boss who frequently places unrealistic expectations on you and pressures you into doing tasks outside of your job description. This boss may not be very engaged in their own role at work and might frequently make mistakes and shift the blame onto you and even make unfair vailed (or not so vailed) threats of firing you.

If you recognise this pattern of behaviour in your own life, it is important to understand how and why these dynamics are taking place. By understanding, you can learn strategies to dismantle the toxic cycle and create a healthier, more empowered new one:

Setting The Scene:

Through a TA lens, it is evident that in such a situation this boss may feel insecure about their own incompetence at work and could be self-conscious about how the rest of the staff perceive him/her. Therefore, from a controlling-parent ego-state he/she responds by harshly criticising you in efforts to shift-blame and diminish your self-confidence and social-status in the eyes of your shared colleagues.

If you experience these kinds of exchanges with your boss, or a colleague, how does it make you feel?

You are likely to feel disempowered, embarrassed and small because the behaviour exchanges you are sharing are uncomfortable and destructive. You may find yourself feeling increasingly less able to assert yourself or say “no” to unreasonable demands, and in so doing you may be becoming progressively more upset and defensive from the unfair criticism. If this sounds familiar to you, it is likely that these transactions are reducing you into an adapted-child ego-state, forcing you to become compliant, passive and frequently finding yourself unnecessarily apologising.

TA explains that dynamics such as these operate as ‘complementary transactions’, as both party’s interactions exchange in a reciprocal pattern (parent-to-child, child-to-parent), which theory explains can remain indefinitely (Berne, 1964). If you find yourself stuck in this toxic dynamic, it is important to know this is not a mentally healthy environment to continue working in and that it is important to maintain your boundaries and escape this damaging cycle. You are worth more.

If you have shared your concerns and experiences with family and friends, it is likely that they have sympathised and asked “what are you going to do?” with an expectation that you will either leave that job or report/confront your boss so to ameliorate the toxic dynamic. However getting out is not always as easy or straightforward as that, otherwise you probably would have done something about it earlier, right?

Either options of leaving or confronting are valid and necessary steps if you are experiencing bulling or ill-treatment in the workplace. However, there are strategies that you can utilise so to achieve a better result all round and maintain your sense of confidence and self-respect. However, like all problems in life, it has to involve a little communication…

The Conversation

Taking Action:

 One strategy could be to change your approach by confronting your boss and explaining your feelings to them, 1 on 1, in a calm, clear, and rational tone – hitting all the points that you need to cover in your own time. However, as this person has a pattern of responding and interacting in toxic and damaging ways, it is likely that your approach will be met with a defensive and hostile response, as pride is a delicate thing and self-awareness is a gift to few.

The Response:

If your approach is unfortunately met with hostility, instead of receding back into an adapted-child-state as you may have previously, this time, consciously respond by transitioning into a parent-state; matching your bosses tone and demeanour and by firmly asserting yourself. Tell them that how they are behaving is unacceptable and if things do not change you will report them/hand in your notice.

Result & Evaluation:

Considering the concepts of TA, if you elect this response option you are starting the conversation by operating in an adult-state, but when confronted by your boss’s authoritarian, critical-parent response, (in this example) you may find yourself too transitioning into the same level, matching this energy. In this situation both parties are trying to talk down to each other’s child-state from a parent-position as a ‘cross interaction’ (parent-to-child, parent-to-child). Unlike complementary transactions which are reasonably stable, cross interactions are highly unstable and as a result either the transaction will stop, or another shift in ego-state will occur from one of the parties so to create a new stable complementary transaction.

In this situation, your boss may transition firmly into a child-state, becoming compliant, regretful and apologetic. Therefore, this dynamic shifts back into a more psychologically stable position as a complementary transaction (parent-child). As TA theory explains, this dynamic has the potential to remain indefinitely. This may become apparent, if you find yourself feeling stronger when around this person, and if your boss becomes notably more meek and passive when exchanging pleasantries with you.

The Take Home

Although this may be one way to break the toxic loop, it may be more beneficial for you to remain in an adult ego-state by not matching the demeanour of your boss. Berne (1964) explained that the Adult (unlike the Child or Parent in the model), perceives themselves as an equal and does not let the opinions of others invoke anger or anxiety in them. Adults realise that they are not responsible for others reactions and feel comfortable asserting themselves without becoming highly emotional.

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This is one example of how the ego-state concept from TA can be applied to dismantle toxic work conflicts and relationships. If you would like to seek some extra support and information of how to deal with an abusive boss, please see the following links:

References

Berne, E., 1961. Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. New York: Grove Press.

Berne, E., 1964. Games People Play – The Basic Hand Book of Transactional Analysis. New York: Ballantine Books.

Berne, E., 1968. Staff-patient staff conferences. American Journal of Psychiatry, 125(3), pp.286-293.

Berne, E., 1970. Eric Berne as group therapist. Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 9, pp.75-83.

Berne, E., 1975. What do you say after you say hello. Great Britain: Andre Deutsch Ltd.

Harris, T., 1969. I'm okay, you're okay. A practical guide to Transactional Analysis. New York: Harper-Row.

Woollams, S., Brown, B., 1978. Transactional Analysis. Dexter: Huron Valley Institute.

Samantha NewportAbusive, abusive boss, boss, bully, bullying, workplace bullying, work, ego, ego-states, ego states, cope, therapy, theraputic practice, transactional analysis, Berne, transactions, games, life-scritpsComment