How to Set Better Boundaries, so That you Can Bloom
Boundaries are different for everyone, and it doesn’t make you horrible or over-sensitive for having them. They’re incredibly important so to keep us safe. Boundaries are a health thing -they are fundamental, necessary, however not without challenge.
By Samantha Newport.
Below, you can find a list of short psycho-educational videos, detailing the different ‘Games People Play’, such as the ‘“Yeah, but…” Game’ and many more. Here, psychologist Eric Berne’s theories and concepts of ‘Transactional Analysis’ are explained, so that you can better understand the thoughts and interactions that can happen between individuals – and how to regain control of them, so to minimise/remove your experience of distress.
Video Resources - Transactional Analysis
Transactional Analysis: Ego States & Basic Transactions’ by ‘TheraminTrees’:
‘Transactional Analysis: Games’ by ‘TheraminTrees’:
‘Transactional Analysis: Gimmicks’ by ‘TheraminTrees’:
Key Things to Remember:
Perception is reality
Avoid over-rationalising reasons behind interactions and pay attention to what your feelings and body are trying to tell you.
Does your throat/chest feel tight when speaking to ‘X’ person?
Do you feel heat around your cheeks, neck, and the back of your head?
Do you find yourself stuck, feeling obligated to be agreeable or to please others, resulting in a slowly increasing sense of panic or feeling trapped?
Do you find yourself doubting your own reality?
If you are experiencing any of these things, this might indicate that a personal boundary is being crossed. Boundaries are unique for each person – what might be a boundary for you, might not be for someone else. This does not make that boundary less valid.
What are your boundaries like?
Are your boundaries ridged (i.e., being very fixed, holding people/things at a firm distance, not able to be flexible), or are they porous? (i.e., experiencing the earlier referenced physical/mental symptoms, sacrificing your needs/wants/emotions for someone/something else; increasing stress and experience of distress?).
Reflect on the listed type of boundaries below. Are they ridged or porous? What about with the different people in your life? Get a piece of paper and a pen and draw a line with and arrow at either end, like this:
Mark on the line where each of the below items stand, to represent how porous or ridged you feel them to be. This will highlight where some work can be done:
Money;
Time;
Materials;
Emotional;
Physical;
Sexual;
Intellectual;
Expectations.
What changes can be put in place to bring these boundaries to a healthier, middle-ground?
Remember that “No.” is a complete sentence
You do not have to explain your justifications for anything – unless you want to. Sometimes, just saying "No" can feel harsh – therefore, if you feel it's appropriate to add more information, just stick to the raw facts, but keep it brief and to the point. The more information you provide, the more material you give the other person to try and find loopholes.
Are you finding saying “No” hard? Reflect again on your boundaries, above.
Still, struggling? Try to identify where/when this type of boundary was first pushed and with whom? Think about how old you feel when a particular boundary is pushed. This can bring you back to an initial "trigger-point", where you can identify where this interaction first existed in your life and challenge it, so to dismantle your behaviours/responses around it.
The “Yeah, but…” Cycle
Are you stuck in a loop of offering solutions and having them rejected/dismissed/explained away? Break the cycle by putting the onus back onto the other person.
Ask them what they can do;
Ask them what they will do.
Remind yourself that you are not ‘X’ person’s counsellor, parent, boss, or teacher – it is not your responsibility to administer solutions, only to be there for them if you want to. You can re-focus on your role by empathising with them - but resisting the urge to rescue them. When helping others (formally or informally), it's best practise to allow the person space to really feel and express what they're experiencing. The function of the "Yeah, but…" cycle, is that the person, consciously/unconsciously, wants to be heard and to make sense of their experience by talking – not because they want your solutions. Therefore, by offering empathy and placing the responsibility of action back onto them, you can break out of the cycle and move forward.
Knowing the difference between ‘empathy’ and ‘sympathy’ is also important. See:
‘Brené Brown on Empathy’ by RSA:
Sometimes, however, when helping/listening to someone, a problem presented is too large or not something we feel able to cope with. Therefore, being aware of your personal limitations is important. In this situation, sign-post the individual to reach-out to a helpful service/agency (e.g., mental health charity) and offer to support them in doing so, should you wish to.
You can gently broach this by saying:
“I hear that this is important/difficult for you, and I really care about how this is impacting you. However, this issue is bigger than the both of us, so I think we should look at some support”
Again, whether the person picks you up on this offer and agrees to look for additional, professional support, is up to them. Place the onus firmly in their hands and step away – avoid entering back into the “Yeah, but…” cycle.
For more resources, information and support, research through your internet browser. The items highlighted, are sources we, ourselves, have links on:
The Games People Play
Transactional Analysis
Navigating Gaslighting
Managing boundaries in relationships