Honing Your Charisma Challenge
"The reason we're successful, darling? My overall charisma, of course." - Freddy Mercury
This month’s challenge is to whip out your invisible cloak of confidence and strut your stuff down to charm-city. That’s right, October is about working your charisma, honing your magnetism and showering everyone you meet with your magical aura – just don’t get any on the carpet.
Below you can find your daily charismatic task to get you towards being a bigger, bolder, and more confident new you! Push your boundaries and unleash your inner charming self. Break through any wall of shyness and assert your presence – be the driver of your own life! Be fun, be you.
This guide works on the principles from behavioural conditioning. Do you remember positive reinforcement my psychology friends? Sometimes guides that encourage you to be more confident, more social or just a ‘better’ you, are just giving you tasks as if you have a particular type of personality. They do not consider what kind of person you are, or what kind of hang-ups you may have. We’ve all seen those kind of 30 Day Challenges on Pinterest – “Confidence Challenge”, “Socializing Challenge”, “Self-Love Challenge”… how about the “Give Me a Break Challenge”?
We are all individuals, with our own struggles and are built from our own particular past experiences. Therefore it’s all well and good some personal-development chart telling you that on the 15th of January you need to march up to 10 strangers and ask them about their life story, or to invite 20 people out for a big fun wild event. But what if you’re shy, or not that kind of person or DON’T KNOW that many people BECAUSE you’re shy? Some challenges may not be so easy huh? Therefore, if you’re ‘not that kind of person’ but decide to bite the bullet anyway and do those random tasks you found on Pinterest, with some vague pained hope that it will fundamentally change you as a person - you may find yourself in some bother; some cringey, self-conscious, deeply uncomfortable bother. You may find that when doing those challenges, you don’t enjoy it, you may not feel able to pull it off or just feel so overwhelmed that you get nothing out of the experience. Therefore, those ‘self-help’ tasks are actually negatively impacting you and negatively reinforcing that kind of action in your mind, and as a result, may further put you off and discourage you from trying to be outgoing or confident that way again. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT.
This is not what we want for you either! We want you to make progress and not to feel self-conscious. Therefore, this challenge has been structured with psychology in mind so that any person can do it – with any personality and with any mind set. This challenge slowly progresses in difficulty and does not allow for situations to end in unpleasant or cringey ways. Instead, this challenge provides 31 days of daily tasks pitched towards outcomes that will incite positive reinforcement towards being and acting more charismatic, naturally. Each task you do should provide you with opportunities for positive thinking, opportunities to hone and apply your best qualities and to push yourself without feeling like you’ve pushed yourself onto a ledge.
Each item has been rated on a 4 star-scale for difficulty:
1 Star = easy peasey, lemon squeezey.
5 Star = Hard, (but you’re harder).
If you are feeling uncomfortable or anxious doing any of these tasks, just remember - what happens when we are changing, developing and growing as kids? We get growing pains. This is no different. Go get it.
Day 1
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Buy that thing you have always wanted to because you think it will make you look bad-ass. Be it a haircut, a new tattoo, a piercing or just a bit of jewellery. Invest in yourself, because when you look good, you feel good – and that is where a great deal of confidence is born. Confidence leads to charisma!
Day 2
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Get more comfortable with taking up
s p a c e.
You are a strong, confident, engaging and attractive person. Act like it. Don’t fold yourself into a hunched slump, cross your arms, squeeze yourself out of people’s way or avoid eye contact. Be present in every situation. You deserve to exist comfortably and safely in every environment. Do not place yourself in any position or with any body-language that makes you look or feel like a shadow. Own your space.
Day 3
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Today you are a ball of sunshine. Not the fiery hot mass deep in space, but a super happy, smiley and kind version of you. Even if you don’t feel like it, smile at everyone and be really friendly and kind. Psychology says that when we pretend to feel as if we are experiencing a certain emotion, our brain and body responds towards actually experiencing that emotion. So go get happy! Sprinkle it everywhere! Fake it, till you make it. Even if you secretly feel like crap on the inside - the outside won’t know that, but they will remember your energy. Let’s make that energy great.
Day 4
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Be a giver! No one likes a needy-Nancy. Ok, I don’t know who Nancy is, or why she is needy, but let’s not be one! Focus on being really fun and helpful today. Offer to make someone a drink, lend someone a fiver or share a ride with someone. Be kind and offer to take the load off people’s shoulders.
Day 5
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Make an empowering, motivational music-playlist on your phone. When you feel more badass and are surrounded the influences that make you feel most confident and most ‘like you’, you’re going to find it easier to ‘be more you’. This will naturally boost your confidence and make you connect with others with greater ease.
Day 6
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For every other topic point someone mentions to you, ask a follow-on question relating to it. For example, someone may say “I want to see that new scary film so badly!”
You could then reply, “oh I know, have you ever seen that one ‘…’? The idea of ghosts scare me so much. Have you ever had a real paranormal experience?”
Encourage the flow of conversation and invite them to story-tell. Even if you’re not particularly interested, pretend you are and use that flow to direct the conversation where you like. You will appear more charismatic and boost your relationship.
Day 7
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Stop fidgeting. People can smell anxiety a mile off. Whilst some people may demonstrate compassion towards this – you however may still feel like you are under a microscope. Instead of rubbing your hands together, twitching your feet or playing with labels on a beer bottle, deep breathe and use your hands to talk and express what you are saying. This allows your nervous energy to be directed and will give the illusion of being more confident and engaged in the discussion, thus increasing your charisma.
Day 8
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Focus on loving yourself. You are great. You may not have a giant group of friends, but you have definitely had friends, laughs and fun memories in the past. And guess what? You had those things because you are great. Remember that. Re-discover what you love about yourself and why you are so brilliantly you. List 10 of those things and visit them regularly. You are special and fun and you need to keep reminding yourself of that.
Day 9
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Did you know that biologically your body is doing the same thing when it is nervous as when it is excited? Your body cannot tell the difference between the two states, it is only your mind that puts the label there. Change your mind-set so that when you are feeling nervous or anxious, you instead decide that you are feeling excited for what’s ahead. Eventually your assessment will change and that nervous energy will be re-directed more positively.
Day 10
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List 20 things that you have achieved over your life-time that has given you confidence. For example:
1. In 2017 you kicked depressions ass;
2. You passed all your exams and got an amazing job despite the odds and all of the horrible, hard things you went through;
3. You have lost XYZ people and you are still standing strong and refusing to let that impact your life.
List everything that has made you, you. An achievement isn’t defined by, or restricted to, academic scores, promotion or weight. It can come in any and all packages. List yours and remember how resilient and strong you are. This will boost your inner confidence and allow you to flourish in social situations because you will feel more self-assured of who you are and what you have survived through – nothing can touch you or phase you, baby!
Day 11
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Tag people in lots of funny things online or send them something that reminded you of them and tell them that! Making people laugh or relating to something light-hearted is a sure fire way to cut any formalities and initiate a great, humorous bond.
Day 12
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You probably have a particular person or group-chat that you regularly message with any spontaneous funny thought or event you have experienced. Copy and paste your conversation starter from your familiar chat to someone you are trying to get to know better. Because you wrote ‘X’ message to people you are already comfortable with, that funny and relaxed tone will naturally translate well to someone else. This is because when you originally wrote that message, you weren’t trying hard to be interesting or relatable, you were just being effortless and authentically you. By doing this, you are inviting a new easy conversation on grounds you are familiar with. By doing this, you break down barriers and initiate a new level of relationship, making it easier to continue chat.
Day 13
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Start a conversation with a friend that you haven’t spoken to in ages. Ask them how they are doing and what they have been up to. If you are worried about the conversation getting a little dry, add in something funny/weird/interesting that you have been up to at the end to encourage the flow of conversation.
Day 14
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Stop avoiding eye-contact. Ok, you don’t have to be a creepy pupil-stalker. But practice being more engaged when you speak. Talk with a relaxed smile, use varied tone, animated facial expressions and look into someone’s eyes regularly when you are talking and listening. Charisma will shimmer from your shoulders to the ground around you.
Day 15
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Practice saying ‘no’. Being charismatic doesn’t mean you have to do everything anyone asks of you, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to be a people-pleaser. Being charismatic is all about being fun, engaging and good to talk to. But this doesn’t mean much if you and other people aren’t respecting you or your boundaries. Politely practice saying no and if you feel like it, offer an alternative that you like better. This will help people understand where they can exist in relation to you and will also give you more confidence when exercising how to be fun, yet assertive. In turn, this will make you look and feel more like someone to be respected – a type of confidence we can all admire.
Day 16
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Ask a friend or a family member to join a club or a class with you. This is a great way to meet new people and to be a different version of yourself outside the limitations of your usual environment. If you don’t have someone to bring – go yourself! If you don’t have enough money to join a club, volunteer somewhere instead. Just make sure that you get out there and do something different. What is the worst that could happen?
Day 17
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Be more smiley and tactile. When you are sharing a laugh, an emotional moment or an interesting conversation, don’t forget to show it! Just by giving a big smile, a warm laugh, caring eye contact, or touching someone’s arm, you can break significant barriers. It also shows people that you are kind, warm and approachable. The more you do this, the easier and more rewarding it becomes – just as your relationships will become too.
Day 18
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Ask someone for their advice, but don’t make it a close friend. When you are open and vulnerable with people, they can feel important and trusted and are better able to identify with you as another human. We all face a lot of the same struggles and insecurities, share yours and make that bond.
Day 19
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Ask everyone you meet today a question. It can be as inane or interesting as you like. Get talking.
Day 20
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Talk to a stranger! It can be a witty passing one-liner, asking a question, giving a compliment or just acknowledging them and saying hi! If you aren’t out in the world today to be able to do this – call up a friend. Yes, call them – no texting, no Facebook messaging. Don’t be such a millennial!
Day 21
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Remember something important, exciting, or sad that someone in your life has gone through a few weeks or months ago. Ask them about it and how they are doing. Show genuine interest and care about their life and this event. Ask questions about their feelings and next move.
Day 22
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Text 5-10 people and tell them why you think they are so great/special. You could start it off like “Hiya, sorry for the randomness but I saw this thing on TV yesterday and it made me just want to reach out and tell you that I think you are….”, for example, if you are stuck/shy on how to begin. Alternatively, you could thank them for something or compliment them on something. Just make sure they know that you thought of them today.
Day 23
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On your own, go and visit a shop/café/location local to you that you have never been into before, but always pass. Take a look around and maybe make a purchase. Strike up conversation with the owner about their place - ask them at least 3 questions.
Day 24
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Ask someone for help or to keep you company whilst you do something. This could be to help you set up a car boot sale, to pick up a new outfit, to go dog walking or go cycling because you “want a buddy to get fit with”. This doesn’t have to be true, but it’s a good excuse to get someone doing something with you!
Day 25
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Invite someone over to your house for drinks, dinner, BBQ, or a movie. Make it someone that you have never invited over before or very often.
Day 26
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Ask a colleague out for lunch or a coffee.
Day 27
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Join a public speaking class. Ok, this one is scary, but what have you got to lose? At the very least you will meet a few new people, possibly make some business connections and learn how to feel more comfortable hosting that dreaded Monday morning meeting you always hate. Charisma galore!
Day 28
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If someone has upset or hurt you, it is time to call that meeting and have it out with them. You don’t need to shout or swear, but it’s time for you to be strong and confident and re-draw your boundaries with that person. Get whatever has been bothering you off your chest, in a neutral but assertive tone. This will either help mend the relationship and help you feel more connected, or it will settle in your mind once and for all that, that person is no good for you. Either way, this will improve your self-confidence and therefor aid you in your ability to be an active communicator, thereby improving confidence and developmental opportunities for more charisma.
Day 29
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Organise a group event or ask your friend/partner if you can join them on theirs. Let loose and be you. Talk about whatever comes into your mind and be free. People aren’t that difficult to manoeuvre – we all have the same worries and insecurities. The right people will enjoy hearing your words and will want a relationship with you. Any conversation that is proving too dry or too hard is NOT a reflection on you, it is a reflection of your incompatibility. There are 7.7 billion people on earth. If you don’t hit it off with one person, move on to the next! It’s no sweat. Socialising should be fun, not hard - don’t let people make it be.
Day 30
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Say sorry. If there is someone in your life that you wish you treated differently; or maybe you have someone who isn’t in your life anymore, where you wish things went a little differently - reach out to them. Explain a small bit of how you feel, kindly. Express you miss the times that you had and apologise for anything left unsaid. This may not fix the relationship but it will put your mind at rest and make you feel more confident in yourself for being a brave and kind-hearted person. That has got to make you feel good.
Day 31
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Complain to a close colleague about the yearly Christmas party at work and ask them to help you plan a better one. Fully engage yourself and make something super exciting and fun for your department! Go around with a box and ask people to put their ideas into it and make something great happen! You and your friend will be the talk of the office!
If you enjoyed this content, you might also like Alcea’s personal wellbeing challenge, ‘Tackling loneliness and illness through getting well’. To view, click here.