“My Experience With Borderline Personality Disorder”

Hi there, I'm Claire.

I want to share with you my experience of Borderline Personality Disorder, otherwise referred to as BDP. Although I'm not formally diagnosed, I use it as a framework to work on myself as I have every symptom to a high degree. (To see the classified symptoms of BPD, click here).

I'm not going to go into the neglect and abuse that led to this too much, but I had narcissistic parents who accused me of thinking I was better than everyone. I was a very sweet, daydreamy, placid child who loved playing by myself. I was a sensitive kid who was extremely ill at birth until I was around 8 years old. Because of this, I was frequently used by my parents as a tool for sympathy in public whilst being treated very harshly and confusingly in private (double standards, hypocrisy etc.).

I always felt this sense of misbelonging for as long as I can remember. Not social awkwardness or antisocial traits, but this kind of dreamy, melancholic, nostalgic sickness. Like I was behind an invisible wall of concrete, or swimming through honey. It felt close to loss, or longing. I was a daydreamer and often asked if I was okay because I "looked sad" or "looked like I was about to cry". I felt like everyone else was tuned into the same radio station and I was lost in the static. The fragility of life and existence became something I was aware of very young, and it really shaped who I became, my interests etc.

At around 14, I started starving myself. I liked the feeling of emptiness, loneliness and secrets, because they were the only things that didn't abandon me – they always kept me company. I revelled in the strangeness. Colours were brighter, people were even more distant and I floated around like a ghost. At around 16, I started cutting. At parties I would binge drink neat spirits and end up crying on the floor in the bathroom. I took dangerous, dark routes home. I'd wander for hours at a time in the snow at 3am without warm enough clothes on. I wanted to feel pain. I wanted to feel anything. But at the same time I wanted to keep at bay the huge dam of feelings threatening to break.

When real life anger and problems set in, I would rage. It didn't happen often but when it did, I was terrifying. I'd scream, smash anything in sight, punch walls, whatever was available. I was so mad at being treated like hell and then goaded, mocked and humiliated for it, whilst my parents, siblings or partners were fully entitled to outlandish expressions of their own expectations. They were free to make their demands and tirades about how wonderful they were, about suicide threats, or how I victimised them for being a child who needed to be fed, nurtured, listened to and loved.

I'm 26 now and spent the last 2 years falling into painful alcoholism, permeated with binge eating, restricting and purging. I've finally let my pride go and asked for help. I take medication and go to therapy. I'm learning and growing so much and I really believe that disordered personalities can be treated. My borderline behaviours are more introverted, but I definitely can be emotionally manipulative, think in black and white, split on people and be completely emotionally erratic. I don't mean to be, but the responsibility still lies with me. I wouldn't have my life any other way because although brutally so, it has taught me so many lessons. I totally agree that narcissistic abuse is devastating, and in all cluster b disorders, there is a mask of protection that feels unbreakable. It's such a comforting thing to fall back on but it will cripple and isolate you for sure. I used to feel ashamed sharing my story, but these days, I am not ashamed one bit. I have come a long way and am proud of who I am.

I hope this was helpful to those who may have experienced things similar. Thank you for reading this, it was very cathartic for me. Please feel free to ask me any questions or share with me your experience. I am here and happy to listen 💖

You can reach me on Instagram at @ornery.scandalous

-      Claire

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