Loneliness & Life: stopping the stigma around feeling lonely
Do you ever feel lonely?
It’s a simple question isn’t it? But I bet there have been a little part (or a big part) of you that felt kind of down when you answered it. And, that’s because we’ve been taught that loneliness is emotional failure. That to admit to feeling lonely is something to be ashamed of. As an emotion, it’s one of the very last to be taboo.
Well I don’t believe that. For me loneliness is a mercurial and difficult emotion to deal with and understand, but it’s natural. I have felt the shame of loneliness. I’ve suffered in silence because I was afraid of being judged or misunderstood or considered weird. But now I’m not being silent. I am talking about feeling lonely. The different ways, the different circumstances and the different reasons that have led to me feeing lonely. And, in so doing I hope that’s how we start stopping the stigma and removing the taboo nature of the word – lonely – one person at a time talking about it. Opening up.
It’s just me, sharing experiences
I’ve been mulling over what to say to you in this my first post as a regular contributor. I was anxious to say something witty, to be funny and erudite. But as I kept tossing more drafts in the bin I realised that my best bet was to be me instead. And, that I should probably introduce the topic I’ll primarily be writing about each month: hopefully so you’ll consider giving it a read next month (or at the least knowing which piece to avoid).
So, getting on for a year ago I began writing a blog all about the experience and feelings of loneliness. As a woman in my early thirties I realised that a lot of my twenties had been spent in differing states of loneliness. I had friends, I had family and I was building up a career but for different reasons I felt lonely, disconnected from others. But it wasn’t until I’d turned thirty before I realised that what I’d experienced was loneliness. I didn’t even know the words to describe how I felt, and I’d never tried – too fearful I was failing at being me.
Suffering in silence
For me this was the worst thing. Not speaking about how I was feeling meant it built up inside, like a volcano filling with lava at some point there’s just going to be too much inside, and it’ll have to come out. Its only way is to explode. And, for me it kind of did. Having changed my life outwardly in lots of drastic ways I realised that internally I felt the same. I felt like a failure. I felt desperate and upset. I was ill emotionally long before it came out in a physical way, but oh boy when it finally did, I knew about it. I got so sick I was bedridden for three weeks. I was as low as I could go, in every sense. I felt completely isolated, disconnected and lonely. And, the only way I could begin to heal was to own up to the fact that within myself I was terribly unhappy and frightened.
Taking a step and putting my emotional health first
So, I took the drastic decision to take three months off. That the most important thing was taking care of myself, fully. I decided to change my whole world around, by focusing on connecting back with myself. And, because of this, hardly anyone knew or noticed. I was making huge changes to myself internally. I was laying the foundations for a healthier and happier life because I chose to start engaging with it and learning about myself in a new way. I wanted to explore loneliness. I wanted to understand why I felt the way I did. And, I wanted to learn how to cope with my emotional life in a way that didn’t knock me off my feet again.
Looking back…
I’m writing this in August and when I think back to a year ago I realise now with the power of hindsight that I was well on the way to my November crash. I feel so much sadness for the person I was just a year ago. I want to give her a hug and say, stop, slow down, take a breath. But, in all honesty, I know how stubborn I can be. I know that even if I could have given myself that message, I’d have not listened. Sometimes the only way to hear is to stop the clocks so to speak, to stop life happening so that there’s no noise to drown out the noise of the feelings. And, that’s just what my body did.
So, in my blog I’ve documented my well-being experiments, not all have worked, I’ve not suddenly become a different person. But I am each day committing to my own selfcare. And, I think it’s making me a better person, it’s certainly making it achievable for me to navigate the stresses of life in a more conscious and collected way.
What are the top 5 things I’ve being doing to get well?
I’m not saying that this is a fail-safe or guaranteed list of things for you to do if you’re feeling low and lonely. These different things have helped me to get in-tune with my emotional health and better understand myself and find a happier and calmer and more collected balance in life.
Maybe there’s something on the list you might be interested in trying out?
Yoga – I began with a few private sessions with a friend of a friend. I wanted to build my confidence first and hopefully fall over with only one witness. This has worked and now I practice yoga (badly – I’m still very much a beginner and am shockingly not bendy) a few times a week. Either by going to a group class or quietly in my bedroom with some plinky-plunky music on. The awareness it’s given me of how my body feels, how those feelings change on a day to day, even hour by hour basis has been incredible. It’s also helped me see in a real way how my physical body, emotions and mental health are all tied together.
2. Meditation – I made a commitment to meditate every day, (as I’m writing this, I’m on a run of 275 days). I use the headspace app on my phone and even if it’s just for five minutes or twenty, at some point every day I take a few minutes out to do a guided meditation. The ‘packs’ on the app mean I can focus on one area of self-development if I want to – and there’s even a ‘pack’ on loneliness!
3. Volunteering – I began volunteering with Shout early this year. I offer support via my computer a few hours a week to people who are suffering and struggling. The feeling of helping someone in need is a special experience and although it can be tough sometimes, it’s very rewarding.
4. Making friends – making friends as an adult can seem really daunting. I totally get it. And, it’s never been easier to stay home and watch Netflix. But this isn’t going to build connections. It’s going to create distance between you and the rest of the world. Isolating you and making you feel lonelier in the long run.
Taking part in community events, using sites like Meetup to find groups doing things in your local area and even going to a local coffee shop or gym regularly can all help you ease in to making friends. Be brave and be open. I always thought that showing vulnerability was a weakness but in-fact, in the past few months I’ve made some amazing new friends and reconnected with old ones by being open and honest about how I’m feeling.
5. Travel alone – Ok, this might sound counter-intuitive but there is nothing like travelling alone to really show you who you are and what you like, don’t like and can deal with (it’s always more than you think)! There’s something luxurious and liberating about taking a few days (or a few months if you’re super adventurous) to dedicate to an experience you’ve always wanted. You see, hear and feel differently when you’re travelling solo. It’s just you in a new place. It’s special. It also enables you to focus on what you think and feel, without the noise and usual distractions of home.
So, that’s my top five. I’m open to trying more things, if you can recommend them! Hopefully this gives you hope that you can start making small commitments, five minutes every day, to changing your life in a good way.
Over the next few months I want to share more with you about my journey with loneliness. But I want our time together to be more than that too. I’m going to include reviews, stories and interviews. Hot topics, science and fun too. My aim is to not only explore loneliness and see how it’s navigated by others, but to show by my own example, that you don’t have to just survive with loneliness, you can live a life and thrive too.
See you next month!
- Alcea
Featured writer, Alcea. See ‘Team’ for more information and contact details.