Realise, Survive & Thrive: Coming to terms with heartbreak

It is all well and good highlighting all the feelings and emotions that can bombard you in a time of heartbreak, but how do you process them?

There are key stages to this accomplishment that are important to highlight;

Firstly, you face them, nobody has ever been able to run so fast their problems will never catch them – inevitably they will one day bite you – so it is best you tackle them now rather than once they have grown stronger over time.

Secondly, survival is key, it’s not always about extravagantly looking after your soul and well-being; you must survive to thrive, start basic and then aim big.

Finally, do more than cope – reinvent, enjoy, live beyond existing; when you are ready to, go further than facing the problem, own it.

You can’t trip over if you don’t run.

The beautiful cliché of facing your problems, that persistent little gem.

You cannot battle a demon whilst wearing a blindfold or whilst running in the opposite direction, yet so many of us will divert our attention from the issue at hand in-order to find temporary appraisal.

Whether it be getting drunk every weekend, taking drugs, getting under someone else to get over the one you love, thriving off shallow attention or forcing yourself to fill every moment of time.

(Notably, the message here is not to sit and do nothing other than thinking about your feelings and problems as that too is counterproductive.)

When you lose someone you love, you enter a process of grievance. At first, the shock will leave you feeling numb and you won’t have to face the problem because the problem will not have caught you yet. This could be a few hours, days or weeks – everybody is different – but just be aware that this blissful little bubble will not last forever. I can remember saying to my friends ‘this isn’t anywhere near as painful as I ever feared’… and I was not lying nor deflecting, I was simply in the early-stages of processing. (Though it is true that fear often envisages the worst-case scenario, which is not always the case).

I must highlight the three weeks I have faced thus far have not been the worst of my life, but then again, this is not my first rodeo.

But like all beautifully delicate bubbles, the numbness will POP. Word to the wise, do not panic, this is all part of facing what is to come.

I can remember the exact moment my defences came down, I was sitting in my car driving back from what had been a lovely day with friends (up until this point I hadn’t cried since the day of the breakup and the whole experience had been relatively emotionless), unawares I looked in my rear-view mirror, only to see him. Now, in this moment I can only describe myself as hysterical. There was part of me that had to laugh, of allllllll the vehicles behind me of course it had to be him, ha ha ha… After a fleeting moment though the rage built and then the sadness, that was my human right behind me, my best friend and I couldn’t even bring myself to wave. That is when my bubble burst. Now, if this were a romcom or a fairy tale I would have pulled my car over, he would have done the same, and then I would have jumped into his arms and the rest is history.

But here is where facing my problems began; this is reality, that human broke my heart and I promised myself something better. Here lies the battle – with yourself – the bubble has not only burst but you are now being flung in two directions (this will be a common theme throughout the process, the best thing you can do is listen to both sides and rationalise as much as you can).

a)   Is this my chance to hash things out or even tell him how I feel (but how do I feel?)?

b)   Is this the reality check in which I must use all my willpower and strength to keep moving forward?

Alternatively, I could have ran from my problem. I’m not just talking physically because as highlighted, I was technically driving away anyway (so why waste the energy running ay). I’m talking emotionally and morally.

Three weeks in and I have not and will not entertain another man in my life – but if I wanted to run from my problem – making new memories with a new human would certainly be a way to do it.

If you are busy giving your time to someone else, forcing yourself to smile at their not so funny jokes, suppressing the triggers of your previous love, neglecting those deeper emotions – you are running – but not fast enough.

So, when that bubble bursts, when all the pain consumes the numbness and you wish you could just go back to a different time;

Remind yourself who you are.

Remind yourself what you are aiming for – for yourself, your career, your friends, your vibes, your lifestyle, your harmony – and acknowledge that option a) would only jeopardise that.  

Sit down, breathe deeply, write everything down, tell a friend, say every word and feeling in your mind; even if they are too jumbled to make sense.

Acknowledge the problem, and then you can face it.

Survival, the foundation of existence.

“The state of continuing to live or exist, typically in spite of difficult circumstances”.

This point may seem a tad trivial at first glance, of course you are not going to seize to survive. It’s not as if your existence just stops, right?

I must confess there are times at which the very basic principle of humanity – to survive – seems like a chore.

Survival can be as basic as nourishment, rest and simply fuelling your body to stay alive and healthy.

Fortunately, being a girl experienced in the field of heartbreak I have managed to uphold the underlying principles this time round (having previously lost three stone in two weeks of a breakup). It cannot be overstated how important it is to look after your basic needs, even if you have little energy to tend to your wider problems.

Eat; even when you feel sick to your stomach, even when you are choking on tears – eat anything and everything you can to sustain enough nutrition to fuel your battle.

What is your favourite food? Eat it and eat it again.

Sleep; look at the end of the day as an accomplishment, reward yourself with that oh so needed replenishment of rest. The night time can be a scary place with darker thoughts and uncontrollable dreams but trust me a well-rested mind makes a better ally.

What Netflix series makes you feel so warm and comfortable that you can fall asleep to its lullaby?

Stay hydrated, the drama is headache enough without dehydration to combat as well. A dehydrated mind is a weak tool.

But,

There will be times when you feel like you can’t.

When a certain food makes you think of him, when a restaurant triggers so many memories, when mealtimes just feel empty without your end of day rants; he will haunt you in these moments, but only you are physically present and in-need.

Remember your own physical health is crucial to underlying your psychological triumphs.

Though, in this world survival is about more than our physiological basic needs; push yourself to go to work, ask your tutor for that extension so you can give the best assignment possible, shower even if the cubicle feels emptier alone, socialise even if you feel like a downer upon others (real friends would rather share your sorrow).

Slowly but surely, you will see that survival can be achieved alone. The more days you make it out of bed to fend for yourself and support your needs, the greater power you will feel. Power is everything.

You are going to wonder what he is doing; who is he talking to, who is he laughing with, who is he taking out for dinner – is he able to survive without you – ultimately, this is irrelevant, and you need to be your biggest critic when you walk this path. The priority is you, if you do not survive then you shall never thrive.

Despite the fact I will never be able to look at an Indian take away quite the same way, I can live with that.

Find ways around the triggers, your basic needs will triumph.

Survival is not the be all and end all, it merely lays the foundations for the better things to come.

Live beyond being alive:

The hardest but most rewarding of all the heartbreak milestones.

It can be so easy to forget that there will always be life after love; so many opportunities, experiences, new memories, new jokes and so much more to indulge.

Once you have grasped survival and facing the problem no-longer seems quite so terrifying; it is time to take the biggest leap of all. From heart-broken to heart-felt.

I don’t just mean falling in love with another, no matter how deep or sincere.

Fall in-love limitlessly and unconditionally, with all those parts of you still standing.

When I am in a relationship I always refer to my boyfriend as my other half, because there have never been truer words. My heart craves a team, a we instead of an I, a partner in crime and a companion through life. Often individuals become different versions of themselves because lovers offer a key to unlock parts of them they never knew existed.

Thank you to my love, for reminding me which versions of me are so important; my strength, my courage, my undeniable ability to help others grow, my determination and drive – thank you.

Of course, the parts of you intertwined with their love will never disappear nor die. Goodness knows how I am going to utilise my newfound knowledge of American muscle cars, I guess it could come in useful…

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with M..

 (Of course, it is Mustang).

But at a time like this, you will have a direct sight to your core; what keeps you standing whilst your world appears to crumble.

Don’t just observe it, learn every detail, appreciate every complexity, admire every ability.

To be alive is to survive and function; to live is to know and understand your being, but to go further and admire who you are that is beauty.

It does not matter if they did not love you in the way you loved them; we do not get enough chance to see our true selves, you can’t expect someone else to have done so.

Go beyond being able to live and survive; thrive.

Plan that holiday with those friends you always promised to go away with, join that gym class you felt unsure of (you may not be a gym bunny, but everyone has to start somewhere), read that book (no matter how cliché the title), take every opportunity you can to pursue the career you always dreamed of. Push yourself to achieve every ounce of your potential, never stop nor stagnate.

Though, you should not simply push yourself to do every conceivable thing, that is wasting your precious time in-order to divert yourself.

Be selfish, choose wisely, keep your circle small but nurturing; don’t just do things because you think you must, do nothing if that is what will make you happy. BUT, get busy doing you.

o   Say your goodbyes,

o   acknowledge your pain,

o   let your mind wander wherever it needs to so long as it always comes back,

o   don’t panic yourself trying to analyse the chaos around you, learn what is within,

o   learn, understand, appreciate and admire.

“I could write this letter for eternity because how do you sign off on someone you once imagined a lifetime of conversation with, but;

Be safe, be light-hearted, be bold, be overly-ambitious and

most of all,

Always be you.”

By featured writer, Jessica Young. See ‘Team’ for more information and contact details.