My personal wellbeing challenge: Tackling loneliness and illness through getting well
So, it’s official Autumn as we say in England, is here. And with it comes the obligatory change of season snuffles and colds, aches and pains. Sometimes the physical changes and discomforts impact our emotions and minds and sometimes our emotions and our minds impact our bodies. It’s all connected after all.
Consequently, I’ve been thinking, (often dangerous, occasionally successful) because about this time last year I got very ill. I was in bed for almost a month and it took me months to get back on track. I can’t say that I ‘got back to being my old self’ because, frankly I didn’t. Over the past ten, eleven months I have changed hugely. And all of it on the inside. Only those who know me well understand and perceive the colossal internal shifts in my emotional landscape. My changed and much improved mental health. The increased awareness that vulnerability is an acceptable part of being human and that I am increasingly strong for owning my feelings and ideas and for sharing them. For openly speaking about feeling lonely sometimes, for being brave and asking for support and for being bold and answering the ‘how are you?’ question honestly when it’s asked by caring friends. The stiff upper lip us Brits are known for can have its downsides which I’ve come to realise.
Because of this illness I set myself my very own challenge: My own wellbeing project. And it’s this project of ‘get well and stay well’ that I wanted to share with you this month. I also wanted to give you a ‘how to’ with regards meditation. How often do we hear people talk about the M word but without really understanding how to do it or what it’s about? Well scroll down to find out more.
The aims of the project were simple: Get well, find personal balance, learn, grow and stay well.
To be clear the aims were not about losing weight, becoming a ‘new’ me or doing a total lifestyle 180. The aims were far simpler and far more challenging in some ways. It was about becoming the best version of myself, getting well, finding personal balance, learning, growing and then maintaining it all.
And this was an issue, because when I did an online search for wellbeing challenges I was stumped. Every one I found was all about doing drastic things like, not eating food (mainly drinking ‘shakes or chewing on kale), training to run up very tall looking hills (I’ve not once aspired to challenge a mountain goat for their foothold in the skies and didn’t want to begin now), or fitting into an A lister size sub-zero dress to be photographed and lauded on Instagram as a makeover extraordinaire.
I’m pretty pragmatic as a person and being realistic here I don’t have any ambition to be a size zero, to only eat cabbage or to run a marathon. So, my ambition doesn’t meet the general expectations (uh-oh failing already!). What I wanted to do was feel like a stronger, fitter, healthier and calmer version of me. More like an upgrade than a total reboot so to speak.
So, I decided to take my search offline. And, the three most common wellbeing activities that word of mouth gave me were as being typically the most successful were:
Yoga
Exercise
Meditation
So, I’ve been giving these three things a go for the best part of a year to see if they help me achieve better balance and wellbeing.
The good thing is that all three activities I found I could do for free or affordably. Which was one source of stress alleviated early on. No point in trying to be calm and happy if I’m going broke in the process.
So, I picked a mix and match approach. Both in terms of finances and time. I needed to be able to fit all the activities into my life, frankly without too much aggravation otherwise it’d defeat the point.
I’ll be honest, my natural state of existence is one hundred percent curled up in front of a fire, cuppa in hand munching on Ferrero Rocher whilst reading a book. This abundance of activity is not what I’m comfortable with. Plus, I was horribly self-conscious in lycra. But the thing I had to keep reminding myself of was that I needed more tools in my life’s toolkit to cope better– with life. And these were the tools that came highly recommended.
The wellbeing plan I concocted looked like this:
Do 10 minutes of meditation each night before sleep. Using the Headspace app because it was recommended by a friend. (The first beginner sessions are free).
Take Yoga classes at my leisure centre twice a week, three times if work / life allows. I also decided that I should make the effort to try different types of yoga and see if there were some that made a stronger impact. I would also try different yoga teachers, knowing everyone has a personal style and some might resonate more than others.
Exercise was honestly going to be the hardest thing for me. I like getting out for a country walk but the gym tends to kill my desire to move. But I figured that what I could do was go to the gym for 30-45 minutes before my yoga class – then I’d have an incentive and a pre-scheduled time. It’d make it harder for me to duck out.
So, I’ve been practicing my top three recommendations for the past ten months or so now. Here’s what I’ve found:
Yoga
After having a few one-to-one classis to build up my confidence of going to a ‘big’ class I feel increasingly comfortable with yoga as an activity. To be fair, I’m rubbish at it, I’m totally not flexible but I don’t mind being rubbish because I’m trying and over time, I can see the results. During my first one-to-one yoga class I share with my teacher, Victoria, about The Loneliness Conundrum and about what I’m hoping it will do, for my readers and for me. She immediately understands and we connect on the fact that what I’m hoping The Loneliness Conundrum will do, is what she finds in teaching yoga.
She’s also close to me in age, and it’s so refreshing to say to another young woman, (early thirties are still young right?) that loneliness is a thing and for her to totally get it. This connection also helps me, I instantly feel like I can relax and open up.
The glass wall of loneliness starts to come down from the first five minutes and stays down throughout the class. I feel like I’ve made a connection. I feel less lonely. And, because it’s not running jumping exercise it’s stretching and listening to my body and moving it to a place where it’s stretching (no pun intended) it feels calming and achievable.
We talk whilst we hold our poses and the fact she’s doing them with me, helps. I’m literally not doing it alone, (an aspect of one to one classes that I was worried about. Literal isolation and being stared at). But, it’s not like that at all and I’m very relaxed. And by the time I leave I feel a surge of hope, relief and positivity. This is something that I think may help me.
After a month or two of one-to-one classes, I begin going to ‘big’ classes. They’re amazing. Full of people of all ages and abilities. Everyone is so focused on their practice, connecting with their own minds and bodies no one stares at me when I lose balance or need a break. There’s a collective bond with a yoga class, everyone is there on their own personal mission and their own feelings and expressions. It’s marvellous and except for when I’ve been incredibly tired or run down, I’ve maintained between two-four classes a week.
Exercise
Ok, so technically when I began my gym classes I was still ill so I couldn’t do all the moves and I struggled just to stay upright at times, but despite this inauspicious start, I’ve managed it. I find this physically very demanding and in all honesty I’m not sure how comfortable I feel in the proper ‘gym bit’ of the gym (it took me four months to go past the first cross-trainer end of the gym). But the flip side is, that the work out is hard, and I’ve got to concentrate so I don’t have time to think. All I have to do is ‘do’. And for the most part I can. Relatively thought free.
This feels good for me – like the equivalent of choosing to eat a salad rather than bowl of chips. The rush of endorphins after the session is a super positive upside too.
I’ve pretty much maintained going to the gym twice a week, although it slipped the last three weeks because I’ve been beyond tired and run down and I decided that killing myself to go was not in the spirit of finding balance and wellness either.
But weirdly, I’ve begun to miss going. I’d got a routine and a few people who I chatted to and so the exercise aspect also became a mini-social too. So, I’m committing to getting my butt back to the gym next week, no excuses. For full disclosure I’ve done exactly what I set out to. I’m a little tighter, a little firmer, still the same dress size, but I am a lot fitter and a lot stronger and I feel so much healthier and happier within my skin now.
Meditation
I’ve meditated every day for 332 days as of today. I’ve been using the Headspace app and along with yoga it’s changed my mental and emotional landscape profoundly. I can’t recommend meditation enough. Which is why below is a ‘how to meditate’ section. I began with a very regimented ten-minutes every night following a course on a theme. But, over the last three months or so I’ve been more relaxed. Choosing different meditations depending on how I’ve felt each day. I’ve changed it up between meditating for three minutes to help me find focus to twenty when I’ve got the time and energy to dedicate to a deeper practice. I also love the walking meditations on my lunch break.
What is meditation?
Meditation practice is all about sitting with your mind in peace and allowing thoughts to pass through. This creates a sense of distance from them. By not engaging with your thoughts, you’re learning to sit with your mind as it is, observing it, accepting it and in time gaining a clearer sense of perspective.
How to meditate:
Begin by sitting with your back straight or lie comfortably. Just make sure you’re comfortable and won’t be disturbed.
If silence is too much for you, try putting some gentle meditation music on in the background – just search on Spotify or YouTube for meditation music.
Now take a few deep breaths with your eyes open, calmly aware of your surroundings, but not focusing on anything.
Next, close your eyes.
Then, simply breathe naturally for a moment or two.
Now keep focusing your attention on your breath and on how the body moves with each inhalation and exhalation. Notice the movement of your body as you breathe. Do you feel the breath in your chest, in your belly? If your mind wanders, that’s ok, once you’ve realised, just refocus on your breath.
Counting to ten can help you maintain your focus on your breath. Breathe in on one, breathe out on two. Breathe in on three, breathe out on four and so on. Stop at ten and return to the number one again.
Maintain this meditation practice for two to three minutes to start, and then as you get more comfortable with it do it a little longer each time.
Setting an alarm on your phone or timer can be a good way for you to relax into the meditation knowing that you’ll be reminded to stop.
Benefits of meditation:
Lower stress levels;
Reduced anxiety;
Improved blood circulation;
Deeper sense of relaxation;
Increased feelings of mental wellbeing and calm.
For more details about the benefits of meditations check out this article on Healthline.
Guided meditations to help you:
Headspace: is one of the most famous guided meditation sites around. Using short guided meditations. I use the app every day on my phone, there’s courses or individual meditations as well as guided walk meditations if you prefer to meditate on the move.
The Chopra Centre: Deepak Chopra is the world famous for his meditation and work with spiritual healing. The Chopra Centre has several guided meditations of different lengths to try.
Tara Brach: The co-founder of the Awareness Training Institute and a well-known psychologist Tara Brach offers guided meditations in a big library on her website that are easily accessible.
Overall I wanted to say this, in the last year I’ve made changes to my life that have focused on giving myself permission to look after me. I’ve not changed my life completely. This isn’t a film and if you’re nervous about making changes, think about them instead as alterations or little tweaks. Give yourself five minutes each day to breathe. To go for a quick walk. To just be.
I’ve not turned into a totally different person. I’ve made incremental improvements that have helped me to help myself. I do yoga between three – four hours a week (normally). I go to the gym regularly and I meditate for a few minutes each and every day. On the whole much of my life will appear the same. But, underneath and within me I am seeing life in a new and honestly improved way. By giving myself permission to take care of myself and prioritise my own wellbeing, I’ve made space each day for self-care. By becoming more in-tune with my feelings, helping myself become stronger mentally and physically, and taking the time to allow myself to breathe – guilt free. I have connected to who I am and in connecting to myself I’ve found that one source of loneliness has eased. I am no longer disconnected from me. And, I think becoming my own friend, being kinder and more considerate to my own being has actually helped me be a better, kinder and more considerate friend to others.
So if you’re considering making a change or two, but feel like it’s too big a task, know that I did it and you can do it too. Take it gently - bite sized chunks work best - remove the pressure and explore. I hope it helps.
- Alcea
Find more by Alcea at The Loneliness Conundrum.
By featured writer, Alcea. See ‘Team’ for more information and contact details.