When (depressions lasting scar)
When will I feel life again? For years now I have lost who I am.
I keep waiting, trying, fighting, persevering, manifesting.
When I’m pretty enough, when I’m skinny enough, when I’m popular enough, when I’m known enough on Instagram - enough!
That’s when I’ll be happy, I think.
But when does enough become enough?
Enough trying, enough persevering, enough hoping, enough re-designing, re-thinking, re-manoeuvring my thoughts and… my life?
When will I have enough friends, enough money, enough satisfaction - enough setbacks? When will I be free of my ‘depression’? You see, that’s the thing. Everyone talks about being well, doing well, looking well. And then there are those who are unlucky, who feel the weight, feel the pain, the darkness, the emptiness when that black dog arrives, when those black clouds rise, when the ice shines when it encapsulates you inside, that barrel, of depression.
But no one ever talks about life after depression. When you’re off the meds. When you’re not “bad enough” for counselling. When you seem normal to family, friends, at work. When your weight is closer to your BMI. When you’re back sleeping at night, and feeling alright.
But that “alright”, that state of being the ‘you’ of you “when you’re better”, isn’t alright. It’s a different type of “alright”. The word and its experience is in a different frame, you feel like you’re under a different name, living with your old face but still not feeling the same, in this game, of life.
You’re better but you’re not. You have more energy but you’re still drained. You look and feel healed but there’s this scar that lies slashed across your personality, your mind, your view of yourself and your world.
The scar of where your depression laid, remains. The mark remains the same and lays with you on your brain.
When will I ever, really, truly be the same?
Will I always be insane?
Featured writer, Anonymous. See ‘Team’ for more information and contact details.
“I write letters about my struggles, life, experience, and observations. All thoughts are my own.”