My Dyspraxia and Me

The un-ravelling of my Dyspraxia and the lack of knowledge that I had it through school, college, and my first attempt at University, is something that I had not let myself come face to face with until recently.

By Megan Jane, Featured Writer.

Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

When I think of back of my time at Secondary School (around 19 years ago now!), I have mixed memories. On the one hand I am lucky enough to remember that I laughed loads with great friends, that break times where the best and I got into mischief. On the other hand, I have memories of the lessons that I struggled in – this is a hand that I choose to forget, and definitely look back at with rose-coloured glasses. I have gone through counselling that has allowed me to work on my self-esteem, my confidence and to explore myself as a person. The un-ravelling of my Dyspraxia and the lack of knowledge that I had it through school, college, and my first attempt at University, is something that I had not let myself come face to face with until recently.

When I look back at Secondary School and put aside my friends, the laughs at breaktime, and the mischief, I remember that I really struggled. I failed a lot of ‘in class’ or ‘spontaneous’ tests and quizzes. I remember being sat in Maths, English, and Science classes and not knowing what I was doing. I hated the idea of reading aloud in class in case I fumbled my words or stammered, and I remember being laughed at for using a ruler to keep my place in a book – so I put the ruler aside. I also have a very vivid memory of asking a teacher to re-explain something that we had learnt in a previous class and the response being ‘Megan you do not listen, you are so frustrating, just listen Megan’ – so I stopped asking. The majority of my end of year reports said that I was a ‘daydreamer’ and that I would ‘do well if I just paid attention’. Parents’ evenings were worse. I was naïve in thinking that they would be okay, as afterwards I’d always have a million questions to answer from my parents about why my homework was so poor and I would recognise that look of frustration in their faces.

“Just listen Megan.”

“You’d go far if you just listen.”

But I was listening, I was trying.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

After 5 years in Secondary School, I was done with trying. Done with trying to ask for help and just being told that I had not listened, that I hadn’t paid attention when I had actually just forgotten something - so I became the disruptive kid that didn’t do their homework, that tried to get others laughing, and I had 100 percent convinced myself that I was stupid. I remember in Year 11 there being a ‘Careers Day’ and I spoke with a lady about becoming an RAF Pilot. Her response?...”Your Math grades are terrible, come up with another idea”.

I barely passed my GCSE’s, all except my Maths, this took another 2 years, and even then, it was baaaaaaarely a pass – but a C is a C right?!?

I went to University and again struggled, especially with exams – the knowledge was there but remembering wasn’t – if that makes sense? Almost as though my mind would shut down and just go blank. I ended up dropping out of University during my Second Year and worked in an office. My self-esteem was low and had been since secondary school – I hid it well, I was loud (probably still am) and would not really contribute to ‘academic conversations’ – I’d make jokes about how it took me longer to pass my Maths GCSE and that I had flunked university. But inside I was nervous around new people, I wasn’t confident or comfortable around people in an authoritative position in case I said something stupid or said the wrong word. I was VERY aware of my walking when I had to walk across the office to the fax room – letting myself breath again once I had reached it. I hated the idea of anyone asking my opinion on how to fix a problem or to make a decision. I struggled with the glare from the computers and office lights, I grew tired easy and would then get headaches.

All struggles that I accepted as part of my stupidity.

Fast forward to 2013. I was 24 and decided to go back to a University that was more local to me and on a part-time basis, in a topic that I absolutely loved – Criminology and Forensic Psychology. I remember being given feedback after my first assignment and being asked to book an appointment with my personal tutor. I remember feeling panic, anger, shame – I knew I couldn’t do this - what was I thinking?!

I booked the meeting and my personal tutor sat me down and after some polite chatter asked if I had ever had an assessment for a learning difficulty.

Eh? An assessment for what?

My personal tutor was amazing, they helped me recognise my ability and that I may just need a different learning technique – that they could see potential. Me. Potential. I booked an assessment through the university and soon after, I sat through a hefty assessment with a very patient and lovely assessor who tested my balance, my speech, my writing, my reading, my comprehension, my visual perception, and anything else that you can think of! And very soon after I was sent a report that described a diagnosis of Dyspraxia and Irlens Syndrome - below is a brief summery for the two:

Dyspraxia:

Dyspraxia or Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD), is a visual perceptual and co-ordination difficulty that affects co-ordination, poor short-term memory,
organisation skills, dexterity, speech and language, perception, and can easily be distracted and prone to low self-esteem (to name a few!).

Irlens Syndrome:

A perceptual difficulty that leads to distortions of words as well as environmental distortions (e.g. depth, glare, blurriness, difficulty in judging distances),
attention deficiency, problems with reading and sensitivity to light/colour contrast (black font on white background).

Photo by Spencer Russell on Unsplash

So yeah, this seemed to explain a lot! Receiving the diagnosis completely blew open my confidence issues, made me face and question the thought that I was stupid, made me recognise that I can do things, but that I just have a different method. The university helped with additional requirements for my studies, ensured that I signed up to counselling to help with acceptance and self-esteem and with time, I have learnt to embrace my Dyspraxia as a big part of who I am. Don’t get me wrong, it’s 6 nearly 7 years since I had my assessment and I would say that I still have some difficulty with confidence in my ability, but this is something that I am aware of and actively try to work with and work through. My Dyspraxia has helped me be able to sit through a 7-hour tattoo session due to having a heightened pain thresh-hold (that is honestly true!), be empathetic, determined, resilient, and creative.

I honestly wouldn’t be me without it.

For more information on Irlen’s Syndrome please visit: http://www.irlenuk.com

For more information on Dyspraxia please visit: https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk

If you think you require an assessment for any learning difficulty, then please go to a GP as an assessment will be funded by the NHS. If you are over 18 then an assessment may be part funded by your place of work or study – for more information, please visit: https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-adults/advice-adults/